In My Head

I have been writing a lot on Facebook and Twitter, and I need to transfer some material over here. It's been a year!!

 

 

Wednesday, March 8, 2016

 

I saw a commercial for a medication, and one of the disclaimers at the end said that you should not take this medication with grapefruit juice. And then it said, "Talk to your doctor if avoiding grapefruit juice is not an option."

 

What? How is that, "...not an option?" In what scenario could drinking grapefruit juice be mandatory?

 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, doctor. I can't agree to the 'no grapefuit' clause. It's just not possible. Why? Well, because, um... I like it."

 

Well, then, I guess the discussion is over.

 

 

Thursday, 2/25/16

 

When I look at Chappy sleeping, my heart fills with love. When I see my husband taking a nap, I am so filled with resentment that I have to take out the recycling and garbage.

 

 

 

Friday, 2/19/16

 

When I look at those slits on the side of my dog's nose I feel like Roman Polanski's character in "Chinatown" won't be able to hurt him. 

 

 

Wednesday, 2/17/16

 

Here's how shitty today was:

 

The only time I was able to feel joy was for me to lose my driver's license and then find it again.

 

 

Wednesday, 2/10/16

 

I could tell when things shifted in my marriage. Several years ago, I said to my husband, "Valentine's Day is coming up." And he said, "Oh. We're doing that?"

 

 

Friday, 2/5/16

 

The discovery of Botox:

 

"Oh no! He died of botulism? That's awful!

 

(pause)

 

Do you think that disease can make my face look younger? Where's the body?"

 

 

Thursday, 2/4/16"

 

Ask your doctor if Xanax is right for everyone around you."

 

Wednesday, 2/3/16

 

Groundhog Day sounds like something right out of "The Bible."

 

Tuesday, 2/2/16

 

I have no idea what a "Hail Mary pass" is, but I'm pretty sure it includes two things that I have absolutely no interest in.

 

Monday, 2/1/16

 

It's official. I now wear a tag on my shirt, 24/7, that reads, "Please remind me of your name when you read this, and then, again, in  ten minutes. Repeat, as needed."

 

Sunday, 1/31/16

 

I saw this woman wearing a ridiculous amount of make-up, and I thought, "What's she going for? What is she in the witness protection program?"

 

 

Thursday, 1/28/16

 

Olive Garden's slogan is, “When you’re here, you’re family.”  That explains why the host led me to my table, handed me a menu, and said, “You’re a disappointment to us all. Enjoy your meal.”

 

1/27/16

 

I've been doing standup for over 34 years. My mother asked me if I thought maybe it was time to start thinking about a career.

 

1/26/16

 

I'd like to thank the current Republican field of Presidential hopefuls for making it so easy to reduce my Facebook friend count to a manageable size.

1/25/16

 

Yes, it's likely that Donald Trump would not lose supporters if he shot someone on 5th Avenue. But, if he tried to take away someone's gun on 5th Avenue, he'd plummet in the polls.